speaker 1: 
speaker 2: hello
speaker 1: hey hey me I worked
speaker 2: I have a
speaker 1: bunch of recordings or supposedly recordings in my email but I'm like I didn't actually receive a call
speaker 2: for yeah just sends any any had to write a script to make that work for you and it's not intelligent enough to know that when the call doesn't go
speaker 1: through yeah but I don't know why the call didn't go through it
speaker 2: something else I didn't answer
speaker 1: so it looks like you called
speaker 2: me no I mean I called you now
speaker 1: oh okay so this is the first time you called me okay there were two of them where it said that the call was coming from your number but I I haven't received a call from you and one of them was a recording of it going to your voicemail
speaker 2: that was your call to me Why didn't it go through
speaker 1: I didn't interesting it says it says in there that it came from your phone number that I guess that's just how it shows it was
speaker 2: connecting you to my phone okay
speaker 1: I understand were you watching the State of the
speaker 2: Union okay are
speaker 1: you yeah but he wasn't really saying
speaker 2: anything you all right all right no not all right that's right I'm in a mental institution honey wouldn't be here if I was all right you know I don't know well no I'm not all right how are you doing
speaker 1: I think think the last couple of days have been hard because there's so much because I don't really know what I'm pursuing you know that's hard
speaker 2: are you having a rough time
speaker 1: yeah you know like pursuing I just mean I've always you know like I'm always been really good at and always been I think I think really good at figuring out you know what God would have me do and pursuing that with my whole heart and being able to like plan strategically and execute yeah for like eighteen years that was nothing but you know love you and serve you and support whatever you want and help you and sacrifice for you and please you and and then September like I was able to pretty well like you know focus on like protecting my children's stability and kind of plan for going to grad school so that I'd be able to provide for them like they deserve and there's kind of a lot to that it's a really good really crazy crazy involved process applications but right now you're you are pivoting so so frequently and so intensely between you know what I mean like changing between like claiming that you're so sorry for you know being so bad to me and then claiming that I'm the one who's so bad and you didn't do anything wrong and are claiming that you're literally only seeking being a good husband and father with your whole heart and nothing else going to coming back I can establishing 50/50 custody and it's like hard to know what to believe because here's what I want to believe it sounds really good and then there's what's more consistent with your actual actions that you've taken the entire time I've known you including currently so it's hard and I can't go to law school because our children are not going to be okay going to public school for that long a period of time the scars run really deep and they are irreparable and so I'm not only having to like overall plan be my whole life or plan I don't know if I want to plan C or D now but also like how long how much longer you know they can keep going to public school right now it's still be salvageable oh and I have to have
speaker 2: surgery you have to have surgery yeah yeah
speaker 1: it's a cancer it came back
speaker 2: suspicious the further testing came back
speaker 1: yeah it's called a firma afirma so the affirmatives came back suspicious which she said that increases the likelihood that it's cancer by 50% I got home and I realized she didn't say 50% you know compared to what Baseline where we at for the odds of it being cancer in the first place you know what I mean yeah unless she was saying like now there's a 50% chance it is I am not sure if that's what she meant they called me they called me on Friday to say oh doctor Ackerman kind of changed his plans and now I think I'm assuming that he decided to go on his vacation a little off cuz he's supposed to go on vacation on Thursday you know do you want to reschedule for a time you can see him or or are you okay seeing our other doctor I was like oh cancer patient because she's also an oncologist it's you know what I mean I mean she has the same credentials it's just that like after minutes like pretty locally famous and really well regarded and it's his name on all the you know the buildings and stuff so but yeah it it's the whole point is that his name but gives you like reassurance you know cuz you heard it from Ackerman so I wasn't I wasn't really I was just like you know yeah fine fine I'll keep my appointment but you know yeah once you're like oh I have to have surgery even though there's only a 50% chance and then you're like oh I would have rather I wouldn't I heard that from Ackerman now that you mention it
speaker 2: so you know anything about it
speaker 1: is it not really no I think the I think the kind of weird thing about it is that they're probably going to have me take a radioactive pill afterward and then I'll have to be on a prescription like thyroid hormone replacement for the rest of my life
speaker 2: yeah
speaker 1: that's you know that's well I yeah I'm trying to pull it was I think in it was December the beginning of December I finally like got the kids Medicaid application all done like finalized backup calling the state asking them how to do my income
speaker 2: you
speaker 1: know I think it didn't know what my income was at the time and they were telling me that I don't have any income except maybe the rentals I
speaker 2: think yeah
speaker 1: and that there wasn't somebody else in my household earning an income so I should put your paychecks yeah so that was how I ended up doing it which now doesn't really it doesn't really make sense to me like they were telling me Oh once they see that they're going to you know do a I don't know whatever you know how they always try to like follow up somehow do an interview will do an interview to find out who's supporting you and they never did that they just like got that application automatically processed it you know so so anyway they ended up giving me Medicaid to okay which I just you know what I mean it's just weird because it's like I don't know that I was getting good information for them because those people sound so unintelligent and uninformed when you talk to them on the
speaker 2: phone yes
speaker 1: but yeah and and obviously I don't think that I'll be on Medicaid for the rest of my life so probably is a situation where I do have to have perhaps actual health insurance forever do you know what the prognosis
speaker 2: is like
speaker 1: survival yeah I think it's good it's not good for my thyroid but I think it's good for
speaker 2: me sorry you having to deal with that
speaker 1: oh yeah it's been a lot of appointments for sure for sure for sure and the big kids having it they went to they have their dental cleaning but they have an extra dental appointment coming out because they can get sealants on their
speaker 2: molars it's a good idea
speaker 1: and then Simon had an extra appointment recently because yet or it's on his
speaker 2: toes yeah I'm being barefoot
speaker 1: well I was trying to ask you though I was like you know is this a hygiene thing it's just like no no it's definitely not no bad when she when she Frozen and then she froze them and then she told me to go to the go to CVS and get an over-the-counter freeze kit off and freeze it every two weeks I didn't know there was such a
speaker 2: thing yeah me
speaker 1: either but I bought it you get a description yeah I bought the freeze kit but it has a choice to accept I haven't had to
speaker 2: use it so how do you how do they give you a box with something that freezes at it I have the block yeah I
speaker 1: have the box I have an open box
speaker 2: yet what you're saying yeah no Mommy doing my best figure out are you really it really spend all day every day you doing just that doing what hurts my feelings a little bit like you say are you really when I'm spending all day every day doing just fine
speaker 1: what are you I don't understand what you're doing
speaker 2: what do you mean there and I'm locked in a mental institution I spend all day every day doing nothing but mental health care oh I
speaker 1: mean it wasn't trying to hurt your feelings just seems like seems like the one hand you're always telling me that you're like you know doing all this socializing and leading Bible studies and kayaking and you know what I mean like you have well anything like it's socializing is off
speaker 2: 100% talking about Mental Health yeah
speaker 1: and then on the other hand it seems like you're getting like lots of do you know what supportive therapy is I don't know if you're
speaker 2: I mean they're getting that I mean I don't know if that's a kind of fight term I don't know what it means but I understand what it was working and are
speaker 1: you I mean are you getting are you getting familiar with any sort of like therapy
speaker 2: methodologies
speaker 1: it seems like you're getting a lot of supportive therapy and in my conversations with you you've been using that supportive therapy from people who don't actually
speaker 2: know and I've been asking you to talk to my therapist I need you to do it if
speaker 1: he said the phones were down today do you think their phones are really down
speaker 2: today he told me that too what that are inferior down to that
speaker 1: does that feel weird hearing me ask that I feel so weird like like you know what I mean
speaker 2: no no I can't stand it
speaker 1: like I've never been a person who ever would have asked were the phones really down ever like ever that is not me and I find myself huh
speaker 2: I don't get it what and you thought he was lying to
speaker 1: you I didn't think he was no but I'm just saying like before September I don't think I ever would have had like the fleeting thought of wondering
speaker 2: your name yeah make that you feel that way now
speaker 1: you know what I mean like just the my complete like know I mean it's a good thing obviously it's a really good thing off it's just feel something to think that like anybody would ever say something to do that wasn't
speaker 2: too so weird that'd be funny what I love you
speaker 1: are you changing the subject
speaker 2: I guess a little bit but I was feeling remorseful that made you feel that way oh
speaker 1: oh well the okay so if you're feeling okay today what
speaker 2: I said I was supposed to get a new roommate today that's better the brightest bag than for like all of five minutes south of 80. My toilet and then said I have to move back to the EQ good to eat you like the dormitory oh y so now he didn't say must be a doctor or something I don't know yes
speaker 1: okay
speaker 2: I'm sorry that was really don't I just noticed that he don't think it was it
speaker 1: yeah well I mean it's just like you were feeling remorse maybe like when you feel remorse you could like think about how to avoid doing the thing that you feel bad about in the future and talk about that
speaker 2: trying to tell you the the time what and I'm trying to tell you the truth all the
speaker 1: time oh good good that's really like that's huge was really good that's really good I didn't mean that you needed to feel remorse I just thought it was weird to just say I love you like
speaker 2: that I'm sorry it's
speaker 1: okay
speaker 2: you know
speaker 1: but I also think that you are like diverting from what I was saying which was that they it's not just your counselor you know what I mean you're kind of talking in the Realms realm of like dozens of people who were like psychologically affirming something for you that you need to be actively rejecting
speaker 2: I've never discussed you where I have been told whoever do but we still need to be the most truthful person that I have ever dealt with truth
speaker 1: yeah I know it's just that they I'm not talking about that I'm talking about like you think that you shouldn't trust the Council of the elders at our church and so you're like in a situation where that's going to be you know what I mean like what it basically whatever your think whatever you went to Honey like thinking and feeling which includes but I'm honest and includes that you've not been good to me and you know that kind of thing but it includes a lot of other stuff too and it's it's all getting reinforced for you
speaker 2: I think I'm approaching my therapy here with an open and honest and Full Hearts and I and my best to provide every single fact and detail that I possibly can
speaker 1: yeah but when facts and details include you know that the elders aren't on the same page and Jackie Hays unsolicitedly told you that you should disobey the letter they sent you that's like those aren't the kinds of facts and details that expose reality and Clarity and you know what I
speaker 2: mean time today that my thinking it just gets more and more clouded like I'm literally losing my mind so yeah I don't know of a better way to represent that situation because that is what happened to me but I found you instead of redoing everything that I know to do I hate to try and hide it or would not have checked myself in here and I'll try and get like 30 help I hear everything in my power to get that and it's by the way so what just be leaving here I'm not going to be able to what it's not working I guess
speaker 1: what's what's not
speaker 2: working I feel more confused right now and less. To be on my own I just you just what what I feel a little hopeless sorry
speaker 1: you feel like the Crux of your problem though is what Jackie did cuz we can like that was so fixable you know what I mean like you can come with the elders yeah I'm saying like when you were at Jackie's house you could have just messaged me in our family wizard that same like from his house and I would have driven all the way to Northampton and it could have been like it could have been you know what I mean it could have been taken care of and under 3 hours you know what I mean but you were really needing was for them to have Clarity and for them to like all understand the situation well enough to be giving you would have supported that but I know I'm just saying like if that's really what the problem is is that you got completely thrown off but you know by him giving different advice than the people who are intimately involved with all the details of it and actually understood what you're you know what sins you were needing to repent from like dead these are these are easy fixes and then what
speaker 2: definitely opened to
speaker 1: fixes it's easy it's it's just that by all appearances like what you did was you took unified group of men who had earnestly sought the Lord to deliver a woman from abuse too it's really your job to protect from abuse but they they took that torch in your Stead and then you separated them out and try to get different answers from them alone
speaker 2: honestly didn't do
speaker 1: that I'm related to age well you did though I mean that's what you ended up doing and having having done so regardless of what your motivation had been in doing so having fun so you used what came about through your perhaps unintentionally manipulative tactics as an excuse Tim alignment of integrity and two leave the accountability of men who are only only asking you to turn from your sin and only asking you off
speaker 2: to
speaker 1: follow after
speaker 2: God and Ted what they're trying to fix that oh good
speaker 1: pretty easy so you know I talked to you on the phone this morning and you were real ugly to me
speaker 2: exactly to
speaker 1: you you said no thanks I heard what you said I'm not going to do it what did you go reform Jackie Hays first and get him to say that you should take my children away from me I got to go they're going to take my phone away from me because of this crap like that wasn't that wasn't like a response that was entirely consistent with what you represented to me last night with your text messages let me sorry and that's what's so hard for me feeling like I'm just getting Whiplash getting punched from one side all the way to the far other side not even seeing incoming I just you know what I mean like I just don't know like how long it can be expected to continue to subject myself to things like like that conversation which is absolutely abusive
speaker 2: and then what I meant what I said in the text last night that's what
speaker 1: we'll do yeah but I mean you see how different it was from what you said to me
speaker 2: today a second with you I apologize I should
speaker 1: did I do something wrong
speaker 2: I actually do you think that it was wrong you said about Jackie hey Sandy manipulating in and and not offering this proactive opinion money wasn't even Germany need to anything because I intend to give you whatever you want
speaker 1: I have well know what I what I want is you to stop behaving abusively in what I want I know but that I mean are you saying that now you're pursuing
speaker 2: divorce
speaker 1: so that's not really what this is about this is about
speaker 2: like your
speaker 1: behavior like do you see the way you talk to me today is being abusive in light of what you texted me last
speaker 2: night yes okay so it's
speaker 1: it seems that abuse of your wife is now a very habitual and ingrained Behavior pattern that is really more second nature to you then it is consistent with
speaker 2: you're
speaker 1: you know what I mean your planned out rational thinking brain
speaker 2: yes
speaker 1: and it's because domestic abuse goes against the word of God and the character of God and God's will for your life yet it is such a habitual Behavior pattern that you do it without even thinking that's the reason that God has blessed you in a situation with the exact men who are able and willing to see those behaviors and hold you accountable in a way that life extremely patient and extremely loving
speaker 2: I would love to believe that that's true but it could not be any more apparent to me that they have done extremely little repair into their activities and
speaker 1: advice I think that that's a good example of something I think that's a good example of something that it you are having affirmed for you in supportive
speaker 2: relationship not really I have no life so I guess he say again
speaker 1: I'm I'm really not talking about cabin cuz you represent it to me yesterday that there's been a lot of people who is Wade in and it seems like every time somebody ways it that strengthens your confidence and being able to say things that are absolutely not true about those men your voice is garbled
speaker 2: now I know I think I did not see a lot of inaccuracies in it and
speaker 1: change your voice is very garbled now